At the age of 45…

I found myself sitting on the couch of a counselor, her staring at me while tears spilled from my eyes and my heart bled. Only there because my son had sweetly mentioned, thought it might help me out. For days I had been in a place so DARK that even I was afraid for myself. Physically still functioning yet emotionally spent. I was a nurse, knew what to say and what not to say. An attempt to suppress the dream I had dreamed.

It was the day I walked into work and my co-worker exclaimed, “Jeanette, when I noticed we were working together today I was so excited. How are you?” My eyes immediately filled with tears, my face froze and without a word, I turned and began rounding on my patients. Hours later we sat next to each other, silently charting. It was then that these words escaped my mouth. “I dreamed I buried myself!”

Without hesitation, I continued to explain that during this dream there were two of me. With each shovel full of dirt I packed tighter and tighter around my body. This was the first comfort I’d had in years. Warmed and hugged by the compression of the soil, protected by the depth underneath the ground. Almost spa-like. And I had GIVEN this gift to myself.

Come to the emergency department, sit in a gurney and let’s chat. In most cases, I’d have a gut feeling as to what you might need, initiate protocols, care well on its way even before seeing a provider. That’s what I do, know and love! During this time in my life, I pictured myself sitting in that same gurney, completely stumped. “Things” were good, “I” was good. I’d accomplished EVERYTHING I’d set out to do. Everything better than expected. My physical health was spot on. However, emotionally distraught, I couldn’t shake or name my need(s).

Heart-breaking verbal vomit gushed from my mouth accompanied by a flood of tears as I sat in front of this highly recommended counselor. Feeling as if I had just purged my soul, I ended with, “I don’t know what is wrong with me.” To this day I can hear the distinct words spoken at that time. “Jeanette, if you don’t learn to take care of yourself, YOU will lose the ability to take care of others. This should be the same as divorcing yourself from you.” Wow! I was shaken, yet somewhat at peace by her intriguing words. Take care of myself? Quickly I visualized my pink painted manicured toenails then recalled my recent gym workout. But I already did, right?

Two life-changing lessons learned that day:

Self-Care

Something I’ve had to research, study, learn about and apply. “The practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress” as defined by Webster. An ongoing process I am learning to embrace.

New Goals

My list had been completed, every last goal checked off. Both short-term and long-term, finalized beyond expectation. Which brings me to BLOGGING. A goal was set to re-invent myself; to create, write and share my story with the hope that I may inspire, motivate and empower.